Did you hear about the dead cabbage?
There was a big turnip at the funeral.
If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?
A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says, “I think your should do it because you get up first.”
He counters with, “The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.” “No way,” she says. “You should do it. The Bible even says so.” “What the heck are you talking about?” She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and
A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano." Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."
I tripped on my wife's bra in the bedroom, turns out it was a booby trap.
Sign in the widow of a Photography Studio:
We can Shoot Your Wife and Frame Your Mother-In-Law, If you want.
We can Hang Them Too.
Question: Do you know why famous entertainment stars do not worry about summer heat?
Answer: because they have fans everywhere.
Why did the belt get locked up?
He held up a pair of pants!
***Punny News Headlines***
Metal fans keep cool at concert...
Limbo dancers reach new low....
Lawyer loses his case- Finds it in Car....
Cellmates complete each other sentences...
Global explorer finds himself....
Missing link found online....
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Sometimes I feel like no one understands me- not even Siri. I dictated a text, on my phone, to my daughter. I said "Mom and I have been praying for you lately."
But when I checked it, I found that it read, "Mom and I have been praying for you lightly." Yeah we didn't want to overdo it or anything.
You want to hear a word I just made up ?
Johnny’s Father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?
Why couldn't the pony sing himself a lullaby?
He was a little hoarse
Paddy and Murphy are wandering in the desert fortunately they have plenty of water but no food.
Murphy finally gives up sitting down on the ground and he tells Paddy to go on without him. Paddy protests but gets nowhere so he walks on without his friend only to return screaming Murphy, Murphy come quickly you wont believe your eyes and tells Murphy of a fantastical tree he has just found with a bacon butty on every branch.
Murphy picks himself up and protesting all the way as he mak
Do you know why a roach clip is called a roach clip?
Because "pot holder" was already taken.
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed a
A guy at the office was at the water fountain, when his co-worker asked, "Did you hear about the guy who got run over by a boat in Venice?"
"Yeah - he's gondola better place."
What did one boat say to the other?
“Are you up for a little row-mance?”
The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list.
“What is it?” she asked.
“Stephen, with a P-H,” I said.
Minutes later, a chair opened up, and his name was called….."Pheven"?