Question: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?
Answer: Because he was trying to see if his son was in his class.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Seven-year-old John had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phone his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," said the mother. "I had John here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said, "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for “behavior modification reinforces.”
Her superior saw the item and asked, “What in heaven’s name is that?’
“Lollipops,” the teacher explained
A rather strict English teacher also had the responsibility of teaching “homemaking,” as home economics used to be called. The teacher noticed a student carefully applying lipstick and powder, rather than doing her home ec lesson.
“Jenny,” said the teacher, “you pay more attention to your makeup than you do to your homemaking lessons.”
“Well, said Jenny, “before I can home make, I have to catch someone with whom.”
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?"
"Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another."
"And what would they be doing then?"
A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that.”
“Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”
A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.
She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”
Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”
A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked. “What’s the problem Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes, it is,” replied Carol. “I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.”
“Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” said the teacher, “but this once I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
“Oh, but tha
“What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?”
“She done her shopping, ma’am.”
“Done her shopping, Vicky? Where’s your grammar?”
“She done her shopping as well, ma’am.”
“Alfred, if I had 20 marbles in my right pants pocket, 20 marbles in my left pants pocket, 40 marbles in my right hip pocket and 40 marbles in may left hip pocket – what would I have?”
“Heavy pants, sir!”
“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher, ‘I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”
“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher, “but you only have two ears, son.”
“You see, sir,” I’m no good at math, either!”
A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.
There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."
"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
“Huge hands, sir.”
The teacher was warning the class about the dangers of going to in cold weather insufficiently clad. “There was one a boy,” he said, “who was so eager to go out and play with his sled that he didn’t put a coat or scarf on; he caught a chill, the chill led to pneumonia and he died!”
The teacher paused to allow the moral of this story to sink in, when a small voice said, “What happened to the sled ….?”