A Nigerian Pastor and his driver died in a car crash and went to heaven. Both of them were welcomed. The angel on duty showed the driver a 3-storey duplex of pure gold and said "this is your mansion". He showed the pastor a small wooden shed and said "this is your dwelling place!"
The pastor was confused. "I don't understand", he said. "Why should my driver get a golden duplex while all I get this wooden shed for eternity? I have been a faithful preacher for several years."
And the Lord said to John "Come forth, and you will receive an eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What happens when you fart in church?
You have to sit in your own pew.
3 young men met one pretty lady after church service. The men decided to introduce themselves. The first man says, I am Joseph but not the dreamer, the second man says I am John but not the Baptist and the last man says I am Abraham but not the father of nations. The pretty lady said hello to her new friends and introduced herself as Mary but not a virgin.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Why worry, there only two things to worry about.
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well there is nothing to worry about.
If you are sick then there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about.
If you die then there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry.<
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Jesus walks into a hotel and places several nails on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night."
Mother: Did you behave well in church today, Marjie?
Marjie: I certainly did. A nice man offered me a plate full of money, and I said, "No thank you."
John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling.
The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! "
John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays. "
Man to priest: father, may I smoke while I'm praying?
Priest : no you cannot!
Lady to priest : father, can I pray while I smoke?
Priest: yes you can!
Three religious leaders walk into a bar. A Pastor, a Rabbi and a Baptist minister.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke???"
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
Monday morning a man bumped into the priest, “Good morning Father, you should know, I was by your sermon yesterday, and I couldn't fall asleep last night!"
“Why what was it that I said?" asked the priest.
“Oh no, I wasn't listening to what you said, I slept the whole way through."