A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy’s. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse. The sales clerk asks, “Do you always carry your TV remote?” “No.” the woman says, “But my husband refused to come shopping with me today. I figured this was a great way to pay him back.”
To get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple enjoyed spending weekends relaxing in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, their came up with a plan to assure themselves some privacy. When they set up camp, they placed this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance Agent. Ask about our term life package”
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
A woman is a complicated creature. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to revert to childhood, he’s already there.
Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree."
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high... She seemed surprised.
I'm trying to plan a party for my girlfriend, but I can't seem to find any party hats, or a girlfriend.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"
Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
One day, a young girl went to the doctor with both sides of her face burned.
The doctor asked, "What happened?"
The girl replied, "Well, I was ironing my boyfriend's shirt until the phone rang. I picked it up and half my face was burnt!"
The doctor replied, "What about the other half?" The girl answered, "They called back!"
The conversation starts between girl and boy:
Boy: Do you have pen?
Girl: No,I don't have.
Boy: Do you have a pen?
Girl: She became angry and replied and no no I don't have a pen.
Again after sometime the boy asked; do you have a pen?
Girl: No! NO... again if you ask once I will hit you by a hammer?
Boy: Do you have a hammer?
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ”Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey" she said,"'you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal" you'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother.
So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still." You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother, cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."
But mama knew and said "Honey chile, do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
Bo tells Jed, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go."
"Well, what are you going to do, then?" Jed asks.
"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant."
"Yeah," Jed agrees.
"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again."
"I remember," Jed says.
"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
"So," Jed asks, "what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"Well," Bo replies, "this year I'm taking Earlene with me."
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
A girlfriend calls her boyfriend over and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a neat jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The girlfriend says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling the tiger on that box.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”