Our local tanning salon had an Olympic tanning contest...
First place got BRONZE!
- EVER WONDER
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A man went into his dentist to see why his dentures kept decaying rapidly on him.
The dentist looked at his dentures and remarked, "This is very odd, they look like something's been eating them. Is there anything different that you've been eating lately?"
The man thought for a bit and said, "Well, my wife has been making a lot of eggs benedict recently with hollandaise sauce."
"Ah!" exclaimed the dentist, "That's it. I know just what you need. I'm going to order you some new dentures with plates made out of chrome."
"Chrome?" exclaimed the man incredulously, "Why Chrome?"
"Because, There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise"
("There's no place like home for the holidays")
A year ago, Hans Vonk conducted the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra in a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth, there is a large pause in the Orchestration where only the chorus sings.
Four bass players, feeling they could use this break to get out and stretch their legs, slipped off backstage and proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarette and take a little nip from a bottle one of them was carrying.
Well, they lost track of time and became quite inebriated. Finally one of them says, "Say! We should really be getting back in... It's almost time to play our part."
"Don't worry," confided one of the other bassists with a wink. "I've fixed it so that we have a longer pause... I tied together the last parts of the conductor's score before our part begins!"
All the bass players had a good chuckle and took a few more swigs and headed in. Once they popped back on stage, they saw that conductor Vonk was absolutely furious. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.
Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
Q. What is it called when you dream in color?
A. A pigment of your imagination
If quitters never win,
and winners never quit,
who made up the saying?
Quit while you're ahead!
There's a robbery at the cereal factory. The robber takes all of the money and then puts a gun to the manager's head.
The robber asks "Any last requests?"
The manager says, "LIFE!"
The robber is caught off-guard, "You mean the cereal?"
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now—Let us spray!"
Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat?
The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.
There was a guy who had a job as a vacuum designer. One day, when he came to work, he told his coworker about how his girlfriend has dumped him. "This sucks!" he says. His coworker replies, "well, that's the general idea."
Two young skunks named -In-and-Out go out to play.
after a while Out got bored so he went in.
Mummy skunk said that tea was ready and sent Out, out to tell In to come in.
very quickly Out came in with In.
That was quick said mummy skunk how did you find In so fast?
Oh said Out that was easy. “IN STINKED.”
You need two American coins to add up to .30 cents. One of them is not a nickel.
Q: What are the coins?
A: One of them is not a nickel, the other one is, a nickel and a quarter.
A court jester is thrown into jail for telling terrible jokes.
~What did he say after the guard locked him up?
O-PUN the door!
An early morning storm produced a strong tornado, which damaged most of the roof of a Pasadena, Texas funeral home. Everyone there was scared stiff.
A man was walking down the road with a bag of liverwurst under his arm. He came upon a young, very thin boy with a tern under his arm. The man asked "What are you doing with that bird under your arm?” The boy answered" I am very hungry and I want to eat this bird.” The man wanted to save the tern and at the same time ease the boy's hunger, so he traded the bag of liverwurst for the bird. In other words, he took a "TERN FOR THE WURST".
Two men out fishing for carp. One fellow stands up and as he does, his wallet falls out of his pocket and slowly sinks in the lake. As he tries to retrieve it, two huge carp show up and start fighting over possession of the wallet. The fellow turns to his comrade and states "First time I've seen carp to carp walleting!"
A young apprentice optometrist recently got careless and got his hand caught in the lens grinder. He wasn't seriously hurt, but he certainly made a spectacle of himself.
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!