A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side."
He stops. He makes a realization. "You know, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck."
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
A man gets married and shortly afterwards his wife dies. A friend tries to console him and asks, "What happened to your wife?"
"She died of poison from eating mushrooms," said the husband.
This man gets married a second time, and not long after the marriage, this second wife dies. The same friend tries to console the grieving husband and asks, "What happened to your second wife?"
"She died of poison from eating mushrooms," was also the reply from the husband.
This man takes a third wife and, not very long after the marriage, the third wife dies.
The consoling friend asks, "What happened to your third wife? Was it mushroom poisoning?"
The grieving husband responds, "No, she died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck!" replies the friend.
"Yes," says the husband, "she wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce.
"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have found with your husband."
The wife was explicit: "He's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"
"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving your assertions."
"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
The husband interrupted angrily: "Yes she did too," he shouted. "She did so!"
A husband comes home and sees his wife painting the living room, but she had her raincoat and her fur coat on. He asks her why she has her coats on. She replies, "I read the can, and it said for best results put on two coats."
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion." What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week! "The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesday and Thursday."
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule
"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food.
The rich man asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."
The beggar responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."
Then the rich man asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."
The beggar replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."
Finally the rich man asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."
The beggar again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."
Finally the rich man said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."
He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"
The man replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
A mother and daughter were out shopping at the mall. The mother saw an expensive fur coat and stated, "This year, I think I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me and I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protested, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
Bob and his wife were walking into the parking lot when a friend, Larry, saw them. Larry asked, "Bob, why are you walking so far? Did your car break down?" Bob replied, "No, my wife read how you could burn off more calories by parking further away."
Larry asked, "How far away did you park?" Bob responded, "About 10 calories."
Old Saying. . . .
My husband, being an astute shopper, as well as an employee at a large local hardware store, keeps an eye on all the closeouts and sales where he works. One evening he came in the door as usual, we exchanged our usual 'glad to see you' affection, then I noticed that 'I've got a surprise for you' look on his face. He held up two large sacks filled with items. In the two sacks were eight candleholders for 25 cents apiece, because he knows I love candles. The other sack contained ten bottles of window cleaner, which closed out for 50 cents each. I loved the gifts, but was overwhelmed with the quantity so I asked, "Honey! What did you do? Buy everything but the kitchen sink?" He grinned in his impish way and motioned for me to follow him. He is so good at that impishness I never know just what will occur next. Full of curiosity and love for my interesting husband, I followed him out to the car. He slowly opened the truck and low and behold! There was the kitchen sink! He grinned at me again and told me he couldn't leave such an expensive sink there when it cost next to nothing! I guess I'll have to find a different 'old saying' in the vernacular when it comes to my husband!