Girl friend (whilst having a romantic dinner at a restaurant): "Say something which spurs my heart-beat"
Boy-Friend: "I forgot to bring any money"
I want to feel your sweet embrace but don't take that paper bag off your face!
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
Question: What did the bride give to the groom that loves onions?
Answer: Onion Ring!
Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.
Girl: You want me to leave?
Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course. Lots!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you asking me?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every time I get the chance!
Girl: Will you ever hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not!
Girl: Can I trust you?
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
A man has a curse, he is only able to say a single word every year. But if he doesn't say a word that year he can say two the next year, then three, and so on.
One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years.
So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question. He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?"
She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "Come again?"
I said to my neighbor, "You'd better let your shutters down, because yesterday I saw you making love with your wife."
"Haha, you idiot," he replied. "I wasn't even home yesterday."
Two friends, a guy and a girl, were having a chat...
Guy: Do you know I like a girl, but I don't think that she would like me.
Girl: Don't worry, she will like you. I bet you ten dollars that she will definitely like you!
Guy: Okay, then fine, we have a deal. (Pause) Do you like me?
Girl: Nope, you are not my type.
Guy: You owe me ten dollars.
Girl: Baby I want to ask you something.
Boy: Ask me for anything, I will do it for you, you are my heaven and earth.
Girl: Can u kill a lion 4 me?
Boy: Are u sick? How can I kill a lion for you? Please ask for something else.
Girl: OK, let me go through the messages on your phone.
Boy: hmmmmm. Where is the lion you want me to kill?
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million.
When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man, matter-of-factly, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
I wrote a romance novel. It's called, "She Fell In Love With A Painter, But He Gave Her The Brush."
I romantically looked at my girlfriend and said to her, "Love is in the air."
Apparently, she didn't agree. "No, that's pollen."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea, "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, what happened?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."