So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food." The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Father: "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school."
Son: "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President."
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."
My son told his teacher the Indians could not possibly have served popcorn to the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving because they didn't have microwave ovens.
Son: Where are the Himalayas?
Father: If you'd put things away, you'd know where to find them.
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
A teacher wanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers’ profession or trade and to spell such profession or trade.
The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie."
"Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front. Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter.
"Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front. Tim said: "My father is an electrician, and you spell it: E –E- L -K… E- L- E-K…."
Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why don’t you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, we’ll have Peter come up and tell us about his father."
Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-O–O-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet, 9 out of 10 that Tim would not spell ELECTRICIAN."
A little boy went up to his grandfather and asked, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" When the grandfather asked why, the boy replied, "Because daddy said when you croak we're all going to Disneyland."
The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed busy and not interested.
One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!''
Mother replied, ''Great! And then what happened?''
Matthew said, ''Oh, she gave it to the policeman.''
Eight-year-old Daniel heard his grandmother tell his mother that a football was needed for the family dinner Sunday night. Daniel couldn't imagine why, but if he could help grandma prepare the meal, he would. But he didn't have a football, so he went over to Greg's house and traded 50 baseball cards for an old deflated football. He pumped it up, shined it and placed it on the kitchen table waiting for grandma to discover it.
''Daniel!'' his mother exclaimed, ''You know Grandma is cooking tonight. Please put your things where they belong!''
Daniel was holding back the tears, ''But it's for Grandma! She said she needed a football for dinner.''
Mother did her best to hold back the laughter, ''You know Grandma and her Irish accent. She meant a FRUIT BOWL!''
Teacher: "Lean, how old were you on your very last birthday?"
Teacher: "Then how old will you be on your next birthday?"
Teacher: "That's impossible!"
Lean: "No, teacher, I'm 8 today!"
One man asked a schoolboy, "How old is your father?"
The boy replied, "He is 8 years old."
Boy: "Because he became a father when I was born 8 years ago."
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"
A mother was talking to her three year-old daughter about animals.
The mother asked, "How does the cow sound?"
The three year old said, "Moo!"
The mother asked, "How does a duck sound?"
The three year old answered,"Quack!"
The mother asked, "How does a frog sound?"
The three year old said, "Bud!!!"
A boy is assigned homework to have his parents read him a bedtime story. Upon reaching home, his father reads him a variation of the "Three Little Pigs." The story covered everything from the threat of the wolf, to the new addition of the pigs buying their materials, to the pigs defeating the wolf. In class the next day, the teacher asked the boy what the man selling sticks thought when the pig came to his door. The boy promptly answered, "Holy cow, a talking pig!"
Trying to be a good father, Jack took his son Tommy to the movies. He drove uptown to the Hoyts Theater, and there they watched an exceptionally long movie.
Afterwards, as they were heading to the car, the father asked his son, "Did you like the movie, Tommy?"
"Yeah, Dad, but I think I know why they call it Hoyts Theater."
Puzzled by this comment, the father asked, "Why?"
And the little boy replied, "Because it Hoyts when you get up!"
Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."
A kid was home alone when the phone rang. He picked it up and heard, "Bloody fingers two houses away." The kid ran up to his room. The phone rang again, and the kid picked it up and heard, "Bloody fingers next door." This time the kid ran up to his room and got under the covers of his bed. The doorbell rang, the kid opened the door, and the man at the door said, "Hey! Got a Band-Aid?"