What kind of make up was the girl wearing on Halloween?
A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."
The older sister asks her younger brother, "What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas?"
Without missing a beat, the little brother replies, "A list of everything I want."
Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.
Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.
Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!
What did the turkey say on Thanksgiving?
Don't "gobble" me up!
A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said, "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door?
A. Because it soot’s him!
One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of robutusin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!
It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally asks: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace."
The mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?"
Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."
Q: What did the ghost say to the doctor?
A: I have a boo boo
An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham-rock.
Why is Christmas like a day at the office?
Because, you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
So every morning a husband would wake up in the morning and pass gas really loud. The wife told him one day if you keep that up you are going fart out your guts.
The husband said no way it is impossible. Well this went on for along time.
Finally the wife was cooking Thanksgiving dinner and while she was taking all the guts out of the bird she had an Idea. She sneaked in there bedroom and stuffed all the turkey guts in his underwear.
The next morning she heard him wake up and fart really loud. After that it was quiet for some time.
Then her hubby came down and said, "You where right I did fart out my guts. But thank goodness I was able stuff them all back in!"
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue...........
And in 1495 his luggage and baggage finally arrived.
Are you sure today isn't Christmas?
I just saw a bearded man in a red coat carrying a 70 inch tv out of my neighbors house?
Must have been a wrong address?
Santa walks into the psychiatrist's office very upset.
"Why Santa," says the psychiatrist,"Why are you here?"
"I can't deliver the presents to the children's homes!!!" replies Santa.
"Well, what's the problem?" asks the psychiatrist.
"I don't know," says Santa, "I get very scared and anxious and just can't go down the chimney. What is it Doctor?
"Do you know what's wrong with me?" asks Santa.
"Yes," says the psychiatrist,"I know exactly what's wrong with you, Santa. You are suffering from CLAUS-trophia!"
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
One day Dan asks Bob, “So Bob what did you get for Christmas?”
Then Bob says to Dan, “Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”
Dan says, “OOOOH WOW!!!”
Bob says, “Ya, I got the same exact color tie!”