Two aliens landed their ship on a golf course and watched a young man golfing. First he hit it into the high grass, mumbling and cursing he retrieved his ball. Then he hit it into the sand bunker shouting curse words he retrieved the ball. Next he hit a perfect hole in one, then the first alien said to the second, "Uh-oh cover your ears he's going to be really mad now"!
Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "What’s so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."
A young minister and an elderly parishoner were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him badly.
At the end of the game, the old man tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," said the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.”
Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"
One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."
After hitting his 7th ball into the water on the 4th hole, a father turns to his son and says, "It takes a lot of ball to play golf the way I do."
A guy to a friend: “After three sets golf clubs and ten years of lessons, I am finally getting some fun out of golf. I quit.”
Travis and McGee met over a beer in the local pub. After a while the subject of sports came up. Travis asked McGee, "Do you play golf?"
"Sure," said McGee, "I play well enough to know why they call it 'golf'."
Puzzled, Travis asks, "Why do they call it 'golf'?"
"Because," replied McGee, "that's the only 4-letter word left!!"
Two men were talking about golf. One of them said, "I shoot in the 70's." The other replied, "That's great!" The first one said, "Yeah, if it gets any cooler than that, I go to the clubhouse."
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into some other woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he’d noticed that the club pro had been watching. “What club should I use now?” he asked the pro.
“I don’t know,” the pro replied. “What game are you playing?”
A foursome approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.
The first golfer teed of and hooked the ball into that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.
As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, “How on earth did you do that?”
He shrugged his shoulders and said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”
He asked for a putter, then drove three hundred yards onto the green. Then he asked for a driver and drove the ball to within two feet of the cup. Then he asked for a niblick and got the ball into the cup. “Now I’m in trouble,” he told the caddie.
“I don’t know what club to use to get it out.”
Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit too many far shots. Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit too many fat shots. Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Did you hear about the golfer trying to buy a new golf club? He looked at club after club after club. His friend asked him "Why are you taking so long?" He replied "I am looking for a hole in one!"
An office employee knowing his boss was off for the day transferred the office telephone # to his own cell phone and took it with him to play golf.
The boss called and asked how everything was going and the employee said fine.
The boss then said, can you move a little faster I'm in the foursome behind you.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was
on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if
she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole,and
you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her
and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady
again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole
behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy
you a drink to show my appreciation for your help."
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She
said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't,"
he said. She said, "I sell tampons." With that he fell on the floor
laughing so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at,"he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!".
Jesus and Moses are out playing golf one day. When they come to the 14th hole, which is a particularly nasty 310 yard, par 4, with a water hazard in front of the green.
Moses leads off, and drives a beautiful shot straight down the fairway, laying-up 10 yards short of the water hazard.
Jesus steps up to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going for the green. I saw Arnold Palmer make this same shot last year”. Moses advises Jesus he’ll never make the green, and to lay-up short.
Jesus tells Moses, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer make this shot, and I know if he can do it, so can I”.
So Jesus tees up the ball, hits it, and watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus turns to Moses, asking him to please part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses parts the waters, allowing Jesus to retrieve his ball.
Jesus comes back to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going to try it again. If Arnold Palmer can make this shot, I know I can too”. Jesus tees up his golf ball, hits it, and again watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses says OK, and parts the waters, so Jesus can retrieve his golf ball again.
Jesus comes back, and once again tees up the ball telling Moses he can make the shot, because if Arnold Palmer can do it, he can too. Moses tells Jesus, if he hits the ball into the water this time, he’s not going to help him get it back.
Jesus takes a mighty swing, and watches the ball fall just short of the green, once again landing in the water. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters, and Moses tells him no, he had to retrieve the ball on his own. So Jesus walks out onto the water searching for his golf ball.
About this time, the follow-on foursome approaches the 14th hole, and sees Jesus walking on water. One of the foursome asks Moses who the guy walking on water thinks he is! Jesus Christ?
Moses responds, “no, Arnold Palmer”.
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with, because they were already out on the course.
He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12-stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap, as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th, the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap, he hit a very high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said, "Nice shot! But I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
"Well, I do! Here, help me out!"