-A man goes to the dentist and says:
-My teeth are kind of yellow, what do you recommend?
-A brown tie!!!
What do you call an anesthesiologist who shows up for work wearing a rabbit suit?
An ether bunny!
A psychiatrist’s secretary went into her boss's office. Secretary: "Sir, someone would like to see you. Claims he's invisible."
Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him."
A man entered his doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana stuck in his right ear. "Doc," he asked, "What's wrong with me?" "Simple," replied the doctor, "You aren't eating right."
-Doctor,doctor,what did you say.... Piscis, Aquarius...???
-No! I said Cancer.!!!
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says."Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor."
10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately."10...9...8...7..."
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
A man walks into the Doctors with an apple in one ear, a banana in the other ear and grapes up his nose. He says, "Doctor, what's happening to me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
In the doctors office two patients are talking "You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake" "A sponge!" exclaims the other "And do you feel much pain" "No pain at all", says the first, "but do I get thirsty!"
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, what can I put on my yellowish tooth?"
Dentist: "A brown tie will suit perfectly."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, nobody pays attention to me…"
And the doctor says, "Next please..."
Did you hear about the dentist & the manicurist who got married?
They fought tooth & nail.