A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
A string walks into a pub and sits at the bar. the bartender looks at the string and says " we don't serve your kind here ". The string getting upset slams his hand on the bar and yells " GIM ME A BEER ". The bartender looks at the string and says " Hey ! We don't serve your kind here ". The string, really upset, slams his hand on the bar, spilling all the beers on the bar, yelling at the top of his string lungs " I SAID GIMME A BEER ". The bartender getting frustrated with the string throws him out of the pub. The upset string, leaving the pub passes a rope. The string turns to the rope and says " Hey, I'll give you five dollars to tie me into a knot and fray the ends ". The rope looks at the string and says " you will give me five dollars to tie you into a knot and fray the ends ". "ya ya " the string says, " I'll give you five dollars to tie me into a knot and fray the ends ". the rope taking the five dollars, ties the string into a knot and frays the ends. The string who is now tied into a knot with the ends frayed, walks back into the pub. The string slams his hand down on the bar and yells " GIMME A BEER ". the bartender looks at the string and says " We don't serve your kind here ". The string getting upset at the bartender, slams his hand on the bar, spilling all the beers on the bar, yelling at the top of his lungs " I SAID GIMME A BEER ". The bartender looks at the string and says " Hey, your that string I threw out of here ". the string yelling back at the top of his lungs " NO I'm a-frayed-knot
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"
Three men walked into the bar to see how much it would take to get them drunk. Man number one reached his limit and passed out at 6 drinks. The other two men laughed at him and stole his money and clothes and threw him in the alley thinking how funny it would be for him when he wakes up. The two men continued the battle, drink after drink they continued all night. Finally, the naked guy in the alley woke up 12 hours later. He was quite upset and streaked into the bar to try to find the whereabouts of his friends. They were still drinking and not giving up. The first man approached them about what they did to him and asked why they still continued to drink. They said they used up all his money and sold his clothes to continue the match and would not let the other do the same to him when he passed out, so they felt they had to keep going all night. All of a sudden, the first man yells, look out, it's your wives! They jumped out of their clothes from fright and passed out on the floor. The first man said to himself, "suckers! That was fake money in my pocket. But these credit cards sure look real."
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”
A man in a bar is enjoying his drink when he hears a voice say, "You look great!" He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No, really, you look just terrific!" Again he looks around. Nobody.
A few minutes pass, and again he hears the voice, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you look absolutely stunning!" At this point the man realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the man calls to the bartender. "What's with these nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "they're complimentary."
The fellow walked into a bar he had never been in before and ordered a drink. He then asked the bartender if he enjoyed dumb-jock jokes. The beefy attendant leaned over the bar and fixed a withering glare on his customer. "Listen, buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on the left? They're professional football players. And that huge fellow on your right is a world-class wrestler. That guy in the corner is a champion weight-lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Notre Dame. Now," he continued, "are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your dumb-jock joke here?" "Nah, I guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."
A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says, "Sorry, but we don't serve beers to bears in this bar."
The bear bangs on the bar. The barman says, "Sorry, but we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars."
The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her. The barman says, "Sorry, but we don't serve beer to bears in this bar, especially not bears that bang on bars and bash barmaids."
The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer. The barman says, "Sorry, but we don't serve beer to bears, especially bears that bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen."
In exasperation the bear bites the bar. The barman says, "Sorry, but we don't serve bears that are on drugs."
"On drugs?" the bear says. The barman says, "Yes. I saw that bar-bit-u-ate."
A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one beer chaser.
The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer.
When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone.
The bartender says, "Wow! You sure drank those fast."
The guy explains, :You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy reaches into his pocket and says, "Fifty cents!"
Two drunks were walking down the railroad tracks. After a couple of miles, one of them says, "Man, all these steps are killing me!" The other drunk replies, "It's not all these steps; it's these darned low handrails!"
Why did the Antarctican get on the roof of the bar?
She heard drinks were on the house.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little three-inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted.
So, the bartender pours the two shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari, hunting, and you called that native witch doctor a jerk!"
A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "HEY! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks at the bartender and says, "You have a drink named Harry?"
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied, "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
This snail crawls up to this bar as it was closing. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bartender finally opens the door. The bartender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demands a beer. The bartender looks down and sees him, but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and proceeds to slam the door.
The snail again pounds on the door. The bartender becomes so frustrated that he opens the door again and kicks the snail away.
A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
A five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."