A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"
he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"
he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"
He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.
An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
There was a little baby boy and a little baby girl. Then the baby boy goes "I'm a boy, you are a girl!" Then the girl goes "How do you know?" Then the little boy goes "I'll show you when the nurse leaves." So about 10 minutes later, the nurse leaves. So the boy lifts up his gown and goes........."See I have Blue Booties, and you have Pink!
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. "What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys."
What do triplets need more than single babies? More Womb!
Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital?
It came out cordless!
When Mary was pregnant, her five year old, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick.
But when he did, the baby was suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother.
"A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?”
Saw the cutest TRIPLETS in the mall last week. Each had a personalized shirt.
1st shirt said: I WAS PLANNED.
2nd one said: I WAS NOT.
3rd said: ME NEITHER!
What are the two reasons why babies wear diapers?
Number 1 and Number 2!
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s office. “Why is your stomach so big?” he asks.
“I'm having a baby,” she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.”
“Is it a good baby?”
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.”
Shocked and surprised, the little boy asks, “Then why did you eat him?”
Every baby finds its first squeeze toy while still in the womb...
It is their mother's bladder, sending her to the bathroom twenty plus times a day and night.
Dad: "Say daddy!"
Dad: "Come on, say daddy!"
Dad: "Darn it, say daddy!"
Baby: "Darn it, Mommy!"
[Mom comes home and joins the conversation.]
Mom: "Honey, I'm home!"
Baby: "Darn it!"
Mom: "Who taught you that?"
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50."
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be.
"Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions."
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said, "it's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.
He shrugged, "I'm a fisherman."
A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.
"So, tell me, nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"